Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Bring me that man meat
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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