I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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