I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
