Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The beer is more important than you right now.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
