There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
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