i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
