Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
