I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
