Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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