you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
