I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
