Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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