OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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