Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
