Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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