My hand turned me down
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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