Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
