im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
