i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
