sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
