Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
