all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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