Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
