I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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