woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
