she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
