I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
