Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
