you traded sex for a burrito?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
