Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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