we have pet lesbian snakes
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
