even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
