Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
