I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
