i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
