apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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