sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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