Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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