he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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