I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
PANTIES FOUND
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