Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
