I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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