Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
