I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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