I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
