Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
