Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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