Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
you never un-have a 4some
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
