does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
