can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
