The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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