Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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