I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
